Weather: Go Outside You Idiot, It’s Serene
June 2, 2016 - Universe
According to our weather experts at the Pasadenoid Meterology Center/Backgammon Anonymous Headquarters (5-7 on Tuesdays), it’s fucking blissful outside and you should go enjoy it rather than wallowing in your air-conditioned apartment and hating yourself.
Our team of experts say you are an idiot for even thinking of staying indoors a minute longer.
“Our research shows that it’s like goddam Eden out there,” said meteorologist Ray Houseweiller.
“Don’t just stand there. Go frolic or something! Come on, people!” he added.
Forecasters say today’s sunshine, warm weather, and green grass has combined to create a state of nature so idyllic even God himself would consider the sublime beauty to be overwhelmingly utopian.
“It’s picture-perfect conditions out there. So we encourage people to give it a try, while remaining mindful that the majority of Americans will watch the season premiere of Fox’s ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ instead,” said Houseweiller.