Travel: 37 Hours In Fresno, CA

650px-Flag_of_Fresno,_California.svg

February 28, 2016 - Universe

By Nick Banning, Travel Correspondent

FRIDAY

3:30 PM

I’ve just arrived in Fresno. I check in at the Picadilly Inn Shaw (2305 West Shaw Avenue Fresno, CA 93711), a quaint spot with a pool and 9-hole putting green. In the lobby, I’m met by a local named Brett who asks if I want to buy some meth. That was fast! Well, when in Rome!

5:30 PM

For dinner, I plan on heading to Pismo’s Coastal Grill (95 W Langham St. Fresno, CA). But first I decide to try some of Brett’s stuff. It’s tastier than I thought it would be, and gets me all hyped up. I turn on some music and do some dancing in the hotel room. Who knew I was such an incredible dancer? I feel amazing!

5:35 PM

On my way out of the hotel I run into Brett again who asks me if I enjoyed his product. I tell him I did, and he asks me if I’d like to buy some of his higher-grade stuff. When in Rome!

9:09 PM

My dinner plans get briefly delayed when Brett invites me to his friend’s party in Roosevelt. It sounds like a good time, so I’ll just drop in for a quick visit.

 

SATURDAY 

2:12 AM

This party is awesome! I feel AMAZING and my dance skills are blowing everyone away. I feel so PRODUCTIVE….like I could write the greatest book ever written RIGHT NOW. Does anyone have a pen?!

6:30 AM

Scribbling furiously…if Lord Scallington is going to play a major role in the novel’s second act I can’t have him move to Hanover! Dammit. Brett let me get some more of that high-grade shit…what do you mean? Fine just take the whole wallet you fucker I don’t care I just need that good shit now!!

1:15 PM

Honestly the staff at Arby’s (100 West Anderson St. Fresno, CA) can burn in hell. They can’t kick me out just because I asked those kids for money. It’s god damn freedom of speech! I am the greatest novelist of all time and need to finish my masterpiece!

4:13 PM

I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but robbing that Well Fargo (1422 Washington St. Fresno, CA) during broad daylight actually turned out to be a pretty decent plan. Now I just have to pay back that assault-rifle dealer and find Brett.

10:26 PM

We are kings, Brett. We are fucking kings! Those prostitutes should have just said thank you and not even asked for money. They should have been grateful! But fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all, Brett!

 

SUNDAY

2:14

TURN THAT MUSIC UP

3:12 AM

I CAN’T GO TO PRISON! FUCKIN’ COPS EVERYWHERE.

5:32 AM

9:45 AM

I have no idea where I am. I’m cold and naked in a parking lot. I see a sign…I think it says Pismo’s Coastal Grill (95 W Langham St. Fresno, CA)I walk up the entrance and ask for help. The host tells me to go away or he will call the cops. Did I have sex last night?!

10:01 AM

I find some drugs and a dollar in my pocket. What the hell happened? What day is it? Geez, I don’t feel so good. Some old creep just came up to me and thanked me for the good time. Then he spanked me. Then he said, “I’ve got another dollar if you have another 3 hours.” What does that mean?  Uhgh. I feel nauseous. I better head to my next destination…Palmdale, CA… as quickly as possible.

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Comments

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