Top 8 Places in Pasadena for a Good Cry

Phoenixville_Hospital

May 14, 2014 - Local

8. Granny’s Old Fashioned Pie Shop: Poor Granny just doesn’t have the energy for this anymore. Your ducts will be  glistening as you watch her struggle to get up from her chair to take take your order, and stumble and curse to herself as she prepares it. Be careful though; you might end up bawling if her grandson shows up and tries to convince Granny she doesn’t have the money to keep the store running.

7. Little Ukraine: Renovated just last year to include (imitation) riot police throwing (not imitation) tear gas canisters at you as you try haggle for a loaf of bread at an authentic Ukrainian street market. Make sure to stop by before it gets absorbed by Little Russia.

6. The DMV: Especially popular among those who like to cry while shaking their raised arms at the kind of immovable incompetence only found in government facilities.

5. “Field of Dreams” Night at the Movieplex: Our male readers will know this night as one of the few situations where it is acceptable, maybe even encouraged for them to cry in public. “What am I, made of stone?!”

4. The Onion-Chopping Demonstration at Whole Foods: Everyone’s favorite tear-inducing food is 20x more potent if it is certified organic and free-range. If the onions don’t make you cry, their prices will.

3. Under Your Bed: It’s not fair that your parents gave you the genes for uncoordinated legs and arm hair so fair that it looks like you shave your arms – it still hurts to get picked last in two-hand touch. I see you, Timmy.

2. Lil’ Jake’s Tot-too Parlor: This hole-in-the-wall, possibly illegal tattoo parlor for children is a new addition to this year’s rankings. Honestly, we’re not sure how or why this place exists.

1. Pasadena Vet Hospital ER Waiting Area: Come for the deep agony of watching animals in distress, stay for the long waiting times! You’ll want to rip your heart out as a couple tearfully leaves their pet there to be adopted because were unable to afford treatment for his injury. You can even bring your pet in as a precautionary measure, and you won’t be able to keep from being paralyzed by the fact of Cupcake’s mortality. Also a great place to watch the same news stories every 20 minutes on CNN.

 

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