Tips For A Belligerently American July 4th Celebration


July 2, 2015 - Culture / Universe

5. Remember the 4 B’s: Booze, Beach, Beer, Brews

These four items are the foundation to a magical and patriotic 4th of July. Without them you might as well be celebrating at an ISIS recruitment center. Always remember to pack extra beer in case you forget how much you’ve drunken already.

4. Don’t let anyone tell you where you can or cannot set off fireworks

Do you think our forefathers listened to the British when they said “Don’t bomb us?” Of course not. So why should you let the Forest Service or any other agency tell you otherwise? If you happen to be feeling the moment, whether it’s at a beach, in a field of dry brush, or your living room, take pride in your freedom and let those rockets soar!

3. Replace political skepticism with blind patriotism

There’s no room on July 4th for terms like ‘prison-industrial-complex’ and ‘institutional racism’. Replace those words in your vocabulary with more patriotic ones like ‘Footbaaaalllllll’ and ‘Fuck yeah Abraham Lincoln!’

2. Rent a dog for classic American fun

Many Americans find renting a dog for the holiday to be an affordable option to have some good-old fashioned patriotic fun. Play fetch, let him run with the kids, and feed him hot dogs under the table. Then just when he’s grown attached to you, dump him in the return box until next year!

1. Take video of the fireworks to add to your collection

If you’re like most Americans, you likely have at least 2 TB of fireworks footage in your possession. Don’t forget to take video of this year’s display and properly label it. What good is being in the moment when you can plan ahead and enjoy memories of you not having fun for years to come?