The Pasadenoid Names Our Person Of The Year

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December 8, 2015 - Universe

It is with a great deal of delusional self-importance that The Pasadenoid is proud to announce we have once again chosen our Person Of The Year.

Choosing one individual above all others is no easy task. Our editorial team spent many sleepless nights pacing around their bedrooms drinking cough syrup in an effort to choose a person who properly represents humanity in the year 2015. The overwhelming pressure has put this magazine’s leaders into a coma of fear and paranoia which has destroyed our personal lives and mental health.

We dispatched interns across the globe beginning in January in an effort to cover as much ground as possible. They have written detailed reports about millions of individuals in countries across the globe. Yes Anele Pilay of South Africa, we know about the charity work you did last fall. All taken into consideration.

We also polled our readers. But we don’t actually care about their opinions. We’re not picking Bernie Sanders. Sucks to suck guys.

So who is our Person Of The Year?  Well…there were so many wonderful options. It’s a shame we could only choose one. After hours and hours of deliberation, we were somehow able to narrow down our list to one clear winner. And we are now ready to reveal to the world who that person is.

And of course, there will always be some critics no matter who we choose. We recognize and understand that. But we ask the critics to consider the monumental, self-imposed task we face here. This is no walk in the park. This took very serious thought and consideration.

So now, here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for. Our reveal of the Person Of The Year. In 2015, we have chosen this one individual to represent all of our hopes and dreams and desires.

But first, we want to thank everyone who contributed to this search for the greatest person. Even though none of these people are THE greatest Person Of The Year, they all did a valuable service by aiding the search.

Whether it was heading our Argentina team, or simply cleaning up the paper clippings in the meeting room, all of these people did the world a valuable service through their contributions to our hunt.

But enough about them. Let’s get on to our Person Of The Year right after we list all of their names:

Clarice Schlabach
Jeff Snedden
Wen Picone
Zofia Mendivil
Ethyl Reichert
Barton Beauchesne
Les Harland
Kristy Gummer
Brigitte Payeur
Tona Caruso
Loris Holle
Rueben Ledonne
Wynell Fitzsimons
Carlo Sena
Jaleesa Chauncey
Susana Holtzen
Noe Robitaille
Scot Averett
Cherryl Desormeaux
Marcella Gordillo
Cedric Timbers
Rudolf Yohn
Miki Larkins
Dora Shepley
Ashlie Gannaway
Sonya Mcphearson
Nieves Ibarra
Corrina Penny
Elisa Baines
Melonie Ramires
Reggie Mooneyham
Waldo Putney
Pamula Hemmer
Ardelle Kirst
Hertha Gunther
Alvina Tillmon
Candyce Dorado
Destiny Benedetti
Belle Thackston
Dorla Dansby
Rayna Gregori
Georgene Jansky
Yong Shoup
Marcellus Stefanski
Myrtice Schwartz
Camila Vanderburg
Deandra Hannigan
Marquitta Cosme
Kraig Mayse
Alleen Siciliano

Thanks again guys for all of your efforts! It just wouldn’t have been possible to accomplish all we did without you people! We did it guys! We chose our Person Of The Year!

So here it is. The moment you have all been waiting for. After all of our painstaking efforts, even though no one asked us to do this, we are finally ready to announce that The Pasadenoid Person Of The Year, for the year of our Lord MMXV, without any sort of doubts or reservations is…

Joe Biden.

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Man, we really nailed it huh?

› tags: humanity / people / person of the year /