The Government Keeps Stealing My Tomaters. Or Maybe It Was A Bear.


June 22, 2016 - Local

By Rex Samuels, Altadena

I’ll tell you what, folks. I’m getting darn tired of the crooked government coming into my farm and taking what’s rightfully mine. That’s right, my precious tomaters. They been stealin’ them from me daily and I’m getting fed up with the disrespect.

It might be a bear that’s taking them too.

Here’s the thing. I work hard on my farm seven days a week. I caress this soil like my grandpappy used to cuddle that Raggedy Ann doll when he got back from the Korean war. But despite my hard work, the government still finds that my tomater-growin’ is their business. That crook Uncle Sam (or a bear) just can’t get enough.

What’s wrong with this country? The government already sticks its nose in my taxes, my social security pension, and my mysterious bank transfers to Kyrgyzstan. Now Uncle Sam has got to come crawlin’ into my patch in the middle of the night to take my tomaters too?

Forget that. I want a government that works for the people, not against them.

I want a government that grows their own tomaters, instead of stealing mine.

I want a government that stops rifling through my garbage cans at four in the morning.

And I want a government that doesn’t leave bear paw prints in my yard.

We as Americans deserve to reap the fruits of our labor. In my case, tomaters. So let’s stand up as citizens and stop this injustice. The next time the government comes into my tomater patch and demands a portion, I’m going to tell them to go to hell! They ain’t gettin’ more of my produce for free.

But if it’s a bear I’ll probably run or shoot it.

I hope you’ll join me folks. We got to take back our country. Whether it’s from Uncle Sam or bears, we have to protect our freedom from those who want to crawl around our gardens, eat our tomatoes, deficate, and roll around in the grass.