Taylor Swift Issues Report on CIA Torchyuh

CIA:TSWIFT

January 2, 2015 - Culture / Universe

In a shocking 15-track report on CIA torchyuh programs under the Bush administration, pop artist Taylor Swift detailed behavior performed by CIA agents that caused excruciating emotional pain to detainees.

According to the TSwift Report, the CIA repeatedly flirted with detainees’ best friends in front of them and waited hours to answer a text message even after typing so the dots showed up, leaving detainees’ in a suspended state of anguish. In one of the most horrid scenarios, an agent forced two detainees into stress positions in adjacent rooms and told each separately that he loved them.

The scathing report concluded that CIA torchyuh was “ineffective,” “immoral” and “led to false information.”

“When you waterboard someone for 15 hours and they tell you there will be a terrorist attack within in the hour in Manhattan, you’re gonna believe them. But that does not mean that intelligence is accurate,” the TSwift Report concluded.

Ms. Swift did admit that she understands if the CIA misses the way torchyuh made it feel both powerful and utterly untouchable.

Ms. Swift has long advocated against the use of torchyuh.

“This is something that not only doesn’t work but is wrong. Why can’t we see-ee-ee it does not belong with us as a nation?” Ms. Swift wrote in 2008.

In a brief press conference after the report’s release, Ms. Swift taunted reporters about how the practice has harmed the United States’ reputation, “Don’t say I didn’t say I didn’t warn ya.”