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So Trump Has Declared Himself Emperor. Does Anyone Really Care?

September 10, 2017

By Hugh Lavishly, Monrovia Here we go again. Trump is in the news for saying something “controversial.” This time he says he would prefer to be an emperor than a president. Of course the mainstream media has turned this into the next big controversy, claiming it spells gloom and doom for the concept of democracy…

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Leaked: The Comey Memos

June 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid has obtained leaked memos from Comey’s personal file on his dealings with Donald Trump. We chose to publish them in hopes it would make us rich:  1.12.07 Omg! Tonight was the most embarrassing night ever! So I had to go to this stupid White House thing, which I didn’t want to go to at…

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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love!  I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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Editorial: We Can Call It TrumpCare, Can I Just Not Die From Leukemia?

January 15, 2017

by Rebecca Donaldson, Pasadena Look guys, I’ll be honest. I know Obamacare has a lot of critics. And I know there is a strong political component to this debate. But can we just change the name to Trumpcare and be done with it? I’m really trying to not die from Leukemia here. I get it….

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Editorial: Men Don’t Rape Women, Locker Rooms Do

October 10, 2016

By Clive Lewis, Altadena It seems like everyone is offering their opinion on the latest Trump comments. And since I’m an asshole with a computer, it’s my turn to share my thoughts with you. So here it is: Men don’t rape women, locker rooms do. That’s right, I said it. And it is a fact…

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Discussion Between Two People To Determine If World Blows Up

September 25, 2016

According to reports, a discussion between two humans this evening will determine whether the species is destroyed in a nuclear explosion or continues to exist. “I am very excited to debate Hillary Clinton tonight,” said one of the humans, evidently unaware of the enormous ramifications that such a conversation could have. “It’s going to be…

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Trump Mixes Up His Name With Clinton’s In Latest Campaign Gaffe

June 9, 2016

In his latest embarrassing campaign goof, Donald Trump appeared to confuse his own name with Hillary Clinton’s during a speech in Grand Rapids, Iowa. “Clinton, she’s been having success for years. She’s created jobs for millions of Americans and is the only one who can make this country great like it used to be,” he…

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Subtext Translation: Trump At The Stump

January 18, 2016

Our language expert has translated Donald Trump’s latest speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit into subtext. A transcript of the original text can be found here. Dear White People, Scary. World is scary. People want to hurt you. Unknown is scary. Black abyss. Death. Pain. Fear. Unknown. Trump good. Trump protect you from scary. When…

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Trump Supporter Realizes She’s A Racist Asshole

December 9, 2015

According to friends and family, local Trump supporter Henrietta Marta has realized she’s a paranoid racist asshole following Trump’s comments about preventing Muslims from entering the United States. “He said that, and I looked around and saw everyone cheering. And then I cheered. And then I realized, ‘Oh wow, so I am pretty racist.” she…

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