politics | The Pasadenoid

So Trump Has Declared Himself Emperor. Does Anyone Really Care?

September 10, 2017

By Hugh Lavishly, Monrovia Here we go again. Trump is in the news for saying something “controversial.” This time he says he would prefer to be an emperor than a president. Of course the mainstream media has turned this into the next big controversy, claiming it spells gloom and doom for the concept of democracy…

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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love! I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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Editorial: I May Be Lying, But My Opinion Matters

February 12, 2017

by Stephen Miller, Trump Spokesperson Look guys. I get what you are all saying about the immigration issue. You make some very compelling arguments about why we shouldn’t ban a religious population from entering the USA. I understand your side of it. And the truth is, if I’m speaking honestly, I completely agree with you. Trump’s…

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REVEALED: Secretary Ash Carter’s Main Job To Stand Around Looking Pissed

October 10, 2016

According to an exclusive investigation conducted by our newspaper, The Pasadenoid has found that Secretary Ash Carter knows nothing about the military and is merely a figure-head who must stand around looking pissed all the time. “The Secretary should maintain a strict demeanor of disgust or displeasure at all times,” reads Carter’s job description, according to documents…

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Discussion Between Two People To Determine If World Blows Up

September 25, 2016

According to reports, a discussion between two humans this evening will determine whether the species is destroyed in a nuclear explosion or continues to exist. “I am very excited to debate Hillary Clinton tonight,” said one of the humans, evidently unaware of the enormous ramifications that such a conversation could have. “It’s going to be…

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Leaked Documents Reveal Mayor’s 2030 Masterplan Consists Solely Of Banner That Says ‘Pasadena 2030′

August 22, 2016

Leaked documents obtained by The Pasadenoid reveal that a masterplan for Pasadena for the next 24 years, entitled the “2030 Pasadena Masterplan’, contains no other actual plans than to have a banner. Mayor Robert Sanchez addressed the leak at a press conference this afternoon. “Well, first of all, it’s going to be a really nice banner. We…

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Editorial: The Speech I Would Have Given If Either Convention Accepted My Request

July 26, 2016

by Dean Lewis, Altadena Dear American People, Alright! It’s my turn now. Sit down Ted Cruz, we’ve all had enough of your sniveling. With your beady little eyes. That’s right, I said it. He has weird eyes. Oh don’t act so surprised everyone is thinking it. Now, this election has been a real shit show….

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Trump Mixes Up His Name With Clinton’s In Latest Campaign Gaffe

June 9, 2016

In his latest embarrassing campaign goof, Donald Trump appeared to confuse his own name with Hillary Clinton’s during a speech in Grand Rapids, Iowa. “Clinton, she’s been having success for years. She’s created jobs for millions of Americans and is the only one who can make this country great like it used to be,” he…

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City Council Votes Down Money For Little Boy Stuck In Tar Pit

March 6, 2016

In a shocking move of partisan politics, members of Pasadena City Counsel did not approve a measure to send $150 to help free little Timmy Thomas from a tar pit. Thomas had allegedly been playing with friends behind the Children’s Museum when his ankle got caught in three inches of tar and slowly started sinking….

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Subtext Translation: Trump At The Stump

January 18, 2016

Our language expert has translated Donald Trump’s latest speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit into subtext. A transcript of the original text can be found here. Dear White People, Scary. World is scary. People want to hurt you. Unknown is scary. Black abyss. Death. Pain. Fear. Unknown. Trump good. Trump protect you from scary. When…

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