Leaked Documents Reveal Mayor’s 2030 Masterplan Consists Solely Of Banner That Says ‘Pasadena 2030′

August 22, 2016

Leaked documents obtained by The Pasadenoid reveal that a masterplan for Pasadena for the next 24 years, entitled the “2030 Pasadena Masterplan’, contains no other actual plans than to have a banner. Mayor Robert Sanchez addressed the leak at a press conference this afternoon. “Well, first of all, it’s going to be a really nice banner. We…

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Mayor Admits He’s Been Zoning Out For Last 3 Terms

June 16, 2016

In a shockingly candid speech, Mayor Robert Sanchez admitted he hasn’t been paying much attention to his job or city matters for his last three terms. “I’ve been kind of spacey lately. Not really focused on work stuff. The city seems ok though right?” he asked reporters outside of city hall while perusing on his…

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Homecoming Event For Pasadena Soldiers Cancelled Due To Conflict With Mayor’s Birthday

October 14, 2015

Pasadena Mayor Robert Sanchez has announced that a previously scheduled homecoming celebration for a group of Pasadena-raised military heroes will be cancelled as the event was planned to take place on his birthday. “I am so sorry to announce that due to the selfish decision of the Pasadena Veteran’s Action Committee to schedule this event…

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From the Mayor’s Office: What Happened To The Funds For Pasadena’s New Bus System

August 30, 2015

by Mayor Robert Sanchez 1.6 million dollars. Whew, that was a lot of cash. It was my big shot. My chance to make a real impact and affirm my legacy as the greatest mayor in the history of this great town of Pasadena. 1.6 million dollars to make the most high-flying, zip-lining, rootinest’, tootinest’, snacks…

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Mayor Announces Creation Of Task Force To Find His Missing Dog

May 30, 2015

Press officials at the Office of Mayor Sanchez announced today they would be activating a Lever 3 Emergency Response following the disappearance of his family’s beloved mutt, Bark Anthony III. The request provides tax-payer funded relief for disasters, including up to $14 million dollars to dedicate to the cause. Officials say the coalition will be led…

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Pasadena Leaders Viciously Attack, Strongly Defend Blackmailing Bathroom Attendant

May 11, 2015

Bathroom attendant James Worley’s blackmail of non-handwashers, published yesterday in The Pasadenoid, has significantly frayed the Pasadena community, turning the idyllic town into what over-zealous journalists would call a neo-totalitarian hellscape reminiscent of Paris under Robespierre. Some residents are calling for Mr. Worley’s swift and extreme justice; others have accused Mr. Worley’s detractors of themselves having shit-stained hands….

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Council Outlaws Filling In Potholes On Mayor’s Street

November 25, 2014

Council unanimously passed an ordinance Tuesday evening that outlawed the fixing of holes in the asphault of Wimberly Lane where Mayor Robert Sanchez lives. Members insisted that the ordinance had nothing to do with the fact that Mayor Sanchez lives on Wimberly Lane. “The notion that we’re somehow using our council seats to fulfill a…

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From the Mayor’s Office: Why I Clubbed That Rabbit at the Charity Golf Outing

August 18, 2014

by Mayor Robert Sanchez My Precious Little Sheep-People, I write to you with a heavy heart and an unrelated raging boner. According to my press secretary Darnell, my mind has been troubled by the events of last weekend and I need to make some things clear to the public. But first, a quick digression. Every…

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Mayor Robert Sanchez Overheard Pledging To “Jam ‘Puppy Bill’” Down Council’s “Motherfucking Throats”

June 23, 2014

Mayor Robert Sanchez was overheard yesterday afternoon in a microphone gaffe pledging tough measures to pass a bill that would make July 17 “Puppies are Cute Day.” “I’ll jam it down their motherfucking throats,” said Sanchez. “This is getting passed or every single one of those cocksuckers is gonna be in the doghouse bigtime come…

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