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Job Board: November

November 6, 2016

Turkish Guy Ok, I can’t explain the whole situation right now but basically my girlfriend needs to think I have a wealthy Turkish friend. Must be at least 6’6 and have a mustache that goes down to the floor. THANKS! Coach Hi there. Coach fell out his truck and got all dead, so we need…

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Job Board: October

October 4, 2016

Vice-Presidential Candidate Pence blew it last night and I need someone who doesn’t look like he’s always sucking on a lemon. If you’re interested call Bill O’Reilly and he’ll connect you. Organ Donor We are a music conservatory seeking a positive donor who can help our institution. Please don’t send bloody human parts, for some…

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Job Board: September

September 4, 2016

Egg-Zecutive Of Marketing We are one of the largest egg suppliers in the world and looking for someone to fill this egg-citing role. Knowledge of egg-related puns a must. This is the real title. Someone To Actually Do The Job We are an office filled with people who don’t actually do anything. We don’t even…

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Job Board: July

July 5, 2016

Coyote-Tamer Quick! We need someone to tame this coyote before it- oh no! Nevermind, It’s too late. Part-Time Job That Requires Massive Application Process Hello, we are a grocery store looking for a part-time bagger. Interested individuals should submit a resume, cover letter, employment history, and 3 professional references to be considered for the first…

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Job Board: April

April 9, 2016

Suspiciously Decent-Paying Job At Amazon Warehouse We are now hiring packers and movers to work for $43/hr in a new Amazon warehouse facility. Why does it pay so well? You’ll find out soon enough… Seeking BARELY LEGAL TEENS… For Sweatshop Work We are looking for BARELY LEGAL TEENS to work in a Nike sweatshop in…

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Job Board: March

March 4, 2016

Assistant Executive To The Director’s Assistant  We’re keeping the title as vague as possible because the actual job involves cleaning up horse vomit. Product-Tester With Limited Legal Knowledge We need someone who can come in here, sign the paperwork without reading it, and be injected with several cosmetic products. We are committed to diversity and will…

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Job Board: February

February 5, 2016

Shitty-Paying Entry Level Job That Requires Experience And A College Degree We are a large corporation who excels at dashing the hopes and dreams of America’s youngest working generation. This job pays $10/hr and will require three rounds of interviews. Writers And Actors For Super Bowl Commercial We here at Gillette completely forgot we bought…

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Job Board – January

January 14, 2016

Barista Turned Fast Food Drive-Thru Attendant We are a competitor to Starbucks, seeking baristas who have been humiliated during a transition to smaller stores and forced to work at the drive-thru window. The best applicants have had their soul dragged out by management onto the kitchen floor and stomped on vigorously. Regular drive-thru attendants need…

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Job Board: December

December 14, 2015

Mole-Tickler We are a university laboratory studying the effects of laughter on moles. The ideal tickler will be able to use a comically-sized pink feather to tickle our laboratory moles upon command. Experience required. Jimmy Kimmel Look-A-Like Group looking for candidate with identical appearance to Jimmy Kimmel. Must not ask questions. Must be comfortable with fluid…

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