Investigation: I Took Psychedelic Drugs And Joined ISIS To Teach My Dad Why Black Lives Matter

July 14, 2016

by Dean Winthrop, Investigative Reporter What’s up squares? I address you informally because I’m a modern investigative reporter, meaning I like to party and be mellow and unprofessional about my job. I don’t really research things or write stuff down or any of that stuff. Anyway, when my dad told me something about Black Lives…

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ISIS Vows To Destroy Michael Keaton For Disobeying Sharia Law

August 10, 2015

In a newly released video, a representative from ISIS announced the group’s intention to destroy actor/producer Michael Keaton for his failure to obey the holy Sharia Law. “Through his lifetime, Michael Keaton has failed at every instance to practice Islam in the Sharia tradition,” said Abdul Malehi in the video. “In fact, Michael has not…

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Editorial: I Used To Be A Scientologist. Now I’m Just An Easily-Manipulated Person.

July 29, 2015

by Hubert Land, Pasadena For a long stretch of my life…a dark, regrettable, period, I was a member of the Church of Scientology. In fact, I served as a high-ranking member of the church for nearly 20 years. But now, I am happy to say I am out of the Church’s grips, and have returned…

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