City Council: Nothing Stopping Us From Erecting Statue Of Willem Dafoe

April 15, 2016

In a surprisingly candid moment, members of Pasadena’s City Council acknowledged that there was relatively nothing stopping them from erecting a statue of Willem Dafoe in the town’s Memorial Park. “Realistically, we could commission a $19,000 statue of Willem Dafoe to be put in the park, and no one would bat an eye,” said council-member…

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Council Passes Cultural Appropriation Bill

September 13, 2015

Pasadena council reached a deal last night to pass a 2.5 million dollar appropriations package dedicated to cultural appropriation, including blackface jazz singer events, an Iggy Azalea concert, and 1000 of those weird sideburns that those Jews wear to give out to school children. “We’d heard that cultural appropriations was really important for cities. So…

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Councilman Diegner Resigns, Citing Stubbed Toe

December 21, 2014

Councilman George Diegner announced his pending resignation this Saturday via a press release. He cited a litany of health reasons for his decision including a stubbed tow, creaky knees and an itch on the tip of his nose that just wouldn’t go away. When called to comment, Councilman Diegner could not be reached but his…

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Mayor Robert Sanchez Overheard Pledging To “Jam ‘Puppy Bill’” Down Council’s “Motherfucking Throats”

June 23, 2014

Mayor Robert Sanchez was overheard yesterday afternoon in a microphone gaffe pledging tough measures to pass a bill that would make July 17 “Puppies are Cute Day.” “I’ll jam it down their motherfucking throats,” said Sanchez. “This is getting passed or every single one of those cocksuckers is gonna be in the doghouse bigtime come…

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