Study Finds That Defunct Carbon Monoxide Detectors Only Rarely Result In Death Of A Beautiful Family

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June 2, 2014 - Universe

An intensive three-year study from the University of Arizona found that defunct carbon monoxide detectors result in the death of a beautiful family only in extremely atypical circumstances. The study was conducted by scientists who snuck into three thousand homes and disabled carbon monoxide detectors across all demographics.

“Based on media reports, we expected disabled CO detectors to kill elegant, promising young families regularly. But only three attractive families – or .1% – died during the whole experiment. And one of those families had a son who was pretty ugly and kind of a fuck-up.” said Dr. John McGintley, a deathologist who participated in the study.

The study ranked participating residents in four categories; beauty, promise, wealth, and youngness. Seven single people died as well. One woman was a seven, but an 8.5 when she did her makeup.

So what does this mean when you’re checking your carbon monoxide detector?

“If you’re beautiful – and your family is beautiful – you’ll probably be fine without a CO detector, but it definitely doesn’t hurt. And we do recommend extra caution when protecting stunning youthful families.” says McGintley. “If you’re from an ugly, poor family, you might die. You might not. We haven’t really analyzed the results.”

And, of course, McGintley recommends that beautiful families perform basic carbon monoxide safety tasks like having the chimney cleaned once a year.

“Beautiful families do tend to have dirtier chimneys since Santa only visits them.”