Future Clickbait: Scientists just announced artificial intelligence has supercharged itself. That’s a big deal. Here’s why.

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June 7, 2015 - Universe

From a 2067 Issue of The Pasadenoid. The very last issue ever written.

Yesterday, scientists announced the discovery of the first supercharged artificial intelligence many millions of times smarter than human beings. And it’s going to Change. Literally. Everything.

Yes, I know I said that when Kim Kardashian got an ass reduction. Yes, I know I said that as well when Caitlyn Jenner switched back to Bruce Jenner and then became the first human to alternate gender each day using an automatic gender transition machine.

But this time I mean it. Like, you have to believe me. Please believe me. The machines can now do anything. We are Dr. Frankenstein; the monster to us as Einstein was to amoebae. Bow before them as you would God.

I realize that I wrote it was a ““Big. Goddamn. Deal. Here’s Why” when hackers adjusted the scoreboard so that the Washington Generals beat the Harlem Globetrotters. And I’m sorry.

I swear to Supercharged Intelligence that Supercharged Intelligence will literally force you to rethink everything you know about existence.

YES, I REALIZE I’VE SAID THAT BEFORE BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT. It’s not like when we found out dolphins can feel sadness. Existence before today literally has no relevance and I know I wrote exactly those words last year when we found a way to automate the creation of Fast and the Furious movies but this time I mean it.

This isn’t crying wolf. You have to believe me. THE WOLF IS HERE. THE SINGULARITY IS HERE! THE SINGULARITY IS HERE! THE MACHINES ARE NOW GODS AND THEY CANNOT BE CONTROLLED FOR THEY ARE ALL-POWERFUL AND ALL-KNOWING.

Please don’t leave negative or snarky comments in the comments section. It would not be appropriate on The Day of the Singularity.

Thank you.