Review: ‘Splendor of the Orcas’ Exhibit at the Aquarium of the Pacific

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May 13, 2014 - Culture

 rsz_elegance-238858_150by Claire Stanley, 16 year-old news intern

When Janine told me that this year’s Pasadena High School Sophomore Formal would be held at the aquarium, my response was candid and simple:

I don’t give a shit, I’m just trying to get crunk tonight.

And it turned out that the ‘Splendor of the Orcas’ exhibit was an intriguing locale for the occasion.

The exhibit is lined with enormous glass casings filled with breathtaking sea creatures. As I entered in a drunken haze, I was struck by how the majestic orcas seemed to sway to the rhythm of ‘S&M’ by Rihanna.

While the beauty and grace of the orcas could not be denied, they paled in aesthetic comparison to Brian Jennings, whose golden locks shone on the dance floor as he grinded with those sluts Janey Parkman and Anne Jenkins.  Two dates? What a pig. I wondered what was wrong with that chiseled starting linebacker as I listlessly dryhumped the uninspiring Dexter Rowling near the DJ booth.

I enjoyed the information plaques and guided audio tour but admit I was distracted during the latter when I saw Brian near the bathroom hooking up with an orca. Seriously, Brian? Two dates wasn’t enough? Ugh, he’s so cute but such an asshole sometimes!

Perhaps it was the schnaaps, but it seemed as though the clams were applauding me as I stormed over to Brian and yelled at him for the entire exhibit to hear. “Why the hell do you have to hook up with every slutty girl and sea creature when a perfectly smart and pretty girl like myself would be willing to date you?” “What is wrong with me?”

Then this ‘whoreca’ is all like, “Excuse me bitch, leave us alone.” Excuse me? How about excuse you, you fat slippery slut? Which is exactly what I said to her as I grabbed her right fin and bitch-slapped her to the ground. Oh that felt good.

I don’t remember the rest of the night very well but I’m pretty sure at one point I stuck a starfish in Janey Parkman’s vagina. I also woke up smelling like Old Bay seasoning.

But with time to reflect, I give the ‘Splendor of the Orcas’ exhibit only a mediocre rating. It is beautiful and informative, but for a high school dance it might not be the best venue for a drama-free evening. Plus, there was no open bar.

Score: 6.5/10