Report: Unclear Whether Neighbors Practicing Play Or Engaging In Deranged Cult Ritual

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April 20, 2015 - Local / Uncategorized

According to various neighbors, members of a household on the 400 block of Orange Grove Boulevard are either rehearsing a play or engaging in some sort of twisted cult ritual this afternoon.

Roy Hendley, who lives next door, says he has heard dark and ominous discussions coming from the house for the last hour.

“They were saying things like, ‘Tomorrow is the time when all shall feel the wrath’. I remember that one in particular. It’s pretty worrisome.”

Mary-Todd Elizabeth, who also lives adjacent, reports similar experiences.

“I think there’s a leader guy. Because he usually gives lectures, and last night he was whispering to some other guy and was like, “Do not betray me, Demetrius, or I shall be forced to use the divine power of Corinthia on you,’ she said.

“I was like, ‘oh shit!’ It’s pretty dramatic, so it would be a good play. Or, like…an interesting cult to read about?”

The Pasadenoid sent reporters to record audio from the house, but they got lost on the way when they decided to stop at Denny’s for lunch. So we just stole a transcription from another Pasadena humor magazine:

[male voice] The day of ascension has arrived. Theo, Lorde, grab my baton. Let us rejoice!

[multiple voices sing] Oh falala! The day is here! We’ve come a long way and today is the day!

[female voice] No! I cannot wait any longer to tell you! Roto is a fraud! Demetrius is the true king! Us spirits saw he had the true divine blood!

[commotion]

[male voice] This is nonsense!

[other male voice] Oh is it? 

[male voice] Demetrius! But I fed you to the lions!

[other male voice] Did you forget that lions have no taste for their own blood?

[sound of mask being taken off]

[male voice] No! Impossible! No one listen to him! Henchmen, take your sawed-off shotguns and kill this foe. Everyone else, drink your detanglement juice!

[yelling, sound of explosions]