Pasadena Sporks Seek Equal Rights, Deny Claims That They Will Destroy “Traditional Cutlery”
April 23, 2015 - Local
Meeting with members of the Pasadena press this afternoon, Model #473268, the spokespork for the Pasadena chapter of the Alternative Utensil Alliance, announced that it and its fellow sporks would be bringing a class-action suit against industry giant, American Tableware Group. While #473268 would not elaborate greatly as it is an ongoing legal matter, it did state that sporks will seek equal protection in dining rooms across the U.S., in an attempt to combat what it views as “modular discrimination” against sporks and other non-ATG-affiliated utensils.
“The days of using only boring spoons, forks, and knives will soon be behind us,” continued #473268. “It is high time that we sporks got a place at the table.”
The ATG has made headlines in the past for their financial contributions to remodeling camps, which recruit sporks and other alternative utensils for weeks of extensive mold correction plastic surgery and other therapies in hopes of converting them into ATG-sanctioned models. A tell-all recently published under a spork’s pseudonym claimed that the conditions at these camps were horrific, including hours of being forced to watch footage of people eating with sporks while being dipped in boiling water and subjected to the works of Beethoven.
“I was only able to overcome this trauma because I have a very strong bond with my fellow sporks, especially after the human left our box in the car for weeks in the sun,” wrote Robert Spork in one excerpt from Sporky’s Revenge.
An ATG spokesfork refused to address the shocking memoir, stating, “Sporks are simply a fad. Humans have survived thousands of years with no evidence of sporks, and now they’re coming out of the woodwork and demanding people use them? It’s a choice, plain and simple.”
#473268 responded by saying that being a spork was not a choice, but rather that it was manufactured that way. “Perhaps the defendants are just jealous because they can’t go both ways like we can,” it concluded.
Though unsubstantiated at this time, there are rumors that the sporks’ suit will be expanded to include similar legal actions taken by grapefruit spoons, curly straws, and those things you stick into the ends of corn on the cob so your hands don’t get messy.