Pasadena Leaders Viciously Attack, Strongly Defend Blackmailing Bathroom Attendant
May 11, 2015 - Local
Bathroom attendant James Worley’s blackmail of non-handwashers, published yesterday in The Pasadenoid, has significantly frayed the Pasadena community, turning the idyllic town into what over-zealous journalists would call a neo-totalitarian hellscape reminiscent of Paris under Robespierre. Some residents are calling for Mr. Worley’s swift and extreme justice; others have accused Mr. Worley’s detractors of themselves having shit-stained hands.
Among Mr. Worley’s most forceful critics is Mayor Robert Sanchez who gathered with like-minded community leaders at city hall to denounce Mr. Worley.
“We’ve sent President Obama a letter asking him to ‘drone strike’ Mr. Smith. Make no mistake – he is a terrorist and, if the federal government will not act, we’ll brutally condemn him ourselves. Not that this affects me personally as I wash my hands.” said Mayor Sanchez.
He then expanded on his post-bathroom sanitary techniques for several minutes, which include individually scrubbing each digit, before begging the media to print his process.
Other prominent community leaders are openly defending Mr. Worley.
“Mr. Worley is doing this town a favor by catching and exposing these scum brown-handed,” said defense attorney and Council candidate Sadie Mooston. “If you want to know who doesn’t wash, don’t even look at their hands. Look at a person’s mouth to see if they’re criticizing Mr. Worley.”
When asked if she was implying the mayor doesn’t wash, Ms Mooston was unequivocal, “I believe Mayor Sanchez and members of his ticket aren’t washers.”
“Make no mistake; the mayor is playing partisan politics with poop particles.”
But Mayor Sanchez said that this vicious rhetoric is exactly why Mr. Worley’s actions are condemnable. “Seal Team 6 needs to bring James Worley to justice for what he has done to this community,” said Mayor Sanchez, holding his hands deeply into his pockets.