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STUDY: The People Who Funded This Study Did A Damn Fine Job Of It

December 12, 2016

According to a new study out of University of East Kansas College, the private funders of a new health study did a fine job lining the researchers’ pockets with cash. “Our analysis indicates this anonymous corporation did indeed send us a wheelbarrow filled with cash,” said Professor Richard Williams, who headed the study. Williams and…

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Drug Addict To Lay Low For A While

December 7, 2016

Speaking to a group of reporters, local drug addict Rex Armstead announced her intentions to stay out of the public eye for a while. “I think it’s right about time to step into the shadows for a little while,” he announced. Armstead says after the last few years of trying rehabilitation nd reconnecting with his…

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Editorial: I May Not Be A White Supremacist But It Sure Looks Like I Married One

December 4, 2016

by Elton Jeffrey, Pasadena Whoopsy-daisy. I may have gotten myself into a teeny bit of trouble here. You see, I’m no racist, not by any means, but it’s starting to look like my wife is. In fact, it’s starting to look like she’s some sort of white supremacist. Yuh oh! This is awkward. How could…

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Editorial: Can’t A Guy Spend A Few Days In A Ravine Without His Family Calling Search And Rescue?

November 30, 2016

by Lloyd Hermann, South Pasadena Well, consarnit. Here we go again. The calvary has arrived! L.A. County Search And Rescue here to save the day and rescue me from this wonderfully comfortable ravine I have made my home in for the past few days. Thank goodness for these heroes! Fooey. Those damn kids of mine…

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OUTRAGEOUS: In Your Face Headline Beats The Shit Out Of Your Brain

November 28, 2016

In an absolutely OUTRAGEOUS and SHOCKING maneuver by this magazine, we have decided to SCREAM AT YOU in order to get your attention so you’ll visit our website. Yes, it is an act that SHOULD BE CRIMINAL. But it’s not. So here we are, YELLING IN YOUR FACE, battering your brain like a punching bag,…

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Job Board: November

November 6, 2016

Turkish Guy Ok, I can’t explain the whole situation right now but basically my girlfriend needs to think I have a wealthy Turkish friend. Must be at least 6’6 and have a mustache that goes down to the floor. THANKS! Coach Hi there. Coach fell out his truck and got all dead, so we need…

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Study Finds Link Between Mania, Defecating With A Hat On

November 6, 2016

A new study out of Northern Illinois University of Wisconsin suggests a possible link between psychosis and defecating with a unique hat on. Specifically, the study found that participants who defecate with a hat on are 18% more likely to experience symptoms of “mania”, a condition which details having a highly elevated mood. “Our study…

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The Pasadenoid Guide To Local Ballot Measures

November 6, 2016

Prop 46 – “Help Save Puppies” Act Pros: Seems like it would help save puppies somehow? Cons: The bill, apparently sponsored by billionaire Art Barton, is actually designed to require all new building permits to be sent to his office for approval first. There doesn’t seem to be anything about puppies in the bill. The…

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Editorial: Top 5 Spookiest Places In Pasadena

October 30, 2016

by Frank Smalls, Pasadena 5. My ex-wife’s car God did she keep this thing dirty. Yuck! Go in there and you’re bound to be scared off by things like hair, lint, and old Starbursts. Stay away! 4. My ex-wife’s shoe closet This place was even more disgusting! You’ll be spooked out by the giant spiders…

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Health Officials Warn Pasadena Residents They Smell Terrible

October 30, 2016

Pasadena city health officials have issued a memo to residents warning them they smell terrible and should consider doing something to fix it. “We don’t know what the hell you people have been eating,” the memo read. “But whatever it was please stay away from it while we work to restore our air quality. And…

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