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Editorial: The High School Intern Shadowing Me At City Hall Needs To Be Stopped

March 12, 2017

by Jim McGrath, city council  Ok I’ve had just about enough! This internship has turned from a teaching experience into some sort of charade in which my intellect and qualifications are constantly in question. Take the other day. I was in my office, having a nice brandy. When my intern has the audacity to ask,…

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Local Man Eats Burritos For All Three Meals

March 5, 2017

According to sources, Pasadena resident Brian Davis regularly consumes burritos for every meal in a day. “I like to start off with a breakfast burrito from Lupita’s or Taco Stop. The former has a delicious green chili sauce that goes great with the eggs,” he told The Pasadenoid. Following his breakfast, Davis will usually travel to…

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11-Year-Old Walking Across America To Prove He’s A Cocky Little Shit

March 3, 2017

By Jim Daniels, Altadena.  An eleven-year-old boy from Tucson, Arizona in on a mission to walk across the country. Why? He says it’s for Crohn’s disease awareness. But we all know it’s actually because he’s a cocky little shit who wants to prove he’s better than everyone else. I mean, let’s be honest. If you…

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Editorial: La La Land Isn’t The Best Film Of The Year. It’s The Best Film Of All Time.

February 26, 2017

by Johnny Hollywood, Academy Member The Godfather. Casablanca. Gone With The Wind. What do these classic films hold in common? Simple. They all suck in comparison to La La Land. That’s right, I said it. La La Land should not get praise for being the best film of the year, instead it should be cherished…

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Editorial: It Tastes Like Sand

February 19, 2017

by Arnie Davis, Pasadena Ew. Yuck. I don’t like this. It’s all dry and crusty. Ich. This is so gross. So nasty.  Is it really food? Pft pft. Sorry I just had to spit some out. I don’t think I could swallow all of it if I tried. I don’t have enough saliva. And what…

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Stephen Miller

Editorial: I May Be Lying, But My Opinion Matters

February 12, 2017

by Stephen Miller, Trump Spokesperson Look guys. I get what you are all saying about the immigration issue. You make some very compelling arguments about why we shouldn’t ban a religious population from entering the USA. I understand your side of it. And the truth is, if I’m speaking honestly, I completely agree with you. Trump’s…

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Resident Spotlight: Bill Samuels, Accountant

February 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid: So, you’re an accountant, huh? Bill Samuels Yep. The Pasadenoid Ok…yikes this is so boring already. Bill Samuels  Why did you even invite me to do this in the first place? The Pasadenoid I don’t know. We were probably high. Is there anything about your life that is remotely interesting at all? Bill…

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Report: More Americans Yelling At Inanimate Objects

February 3, 2017

A report released eariler this week suggests that more Americans are taking out their frustrations on lifeless objects than ever before. “Fuck you, chair!” said Leslie Jones of Altadena after stubbing her toe on the object. Researchers point to increased stress, anxiety, and annoying technologies that talk to you as possible causes of the phenomenon….

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Phone Scammer Who Made Local News Kind Of Impressed With Himself

January 28, 2017

According to sources, a man responsible for a series of phone scams targeting senior citizens in Pasadena has become impressed with himself after his scam was covered by the local news. “Wow. I always thought I was a good scammer, but I didn’t realize I was quite at this level,” he told The Pasadenoid. “They’re doing…

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Editorial: If Only Photoshop Were Real

January 27, 2017

by Daniel Gregg, Altadena If only. If only it were real. That the images expressed in this mystical Adobe program could reflect a reality as true as our own. If only it were a mirror, without the contorted twists, the disfigurement of the realm of fantasy. Alas! It is not so. This Photoshop image is…

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