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Editorial: Some Thoughts On Our Nation

September 22, 2017

by Ethan Schillinger, Pasadena Some people think America is on its last legs because it elected an egomaniac who is also racist and dumb. They think this is like when grandpas start babbling before we send them to the farm. That might be true but it might not be. America is 241 years old, but…

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So Trump Has Declared Himself Emperor. Does Anyone Really Care?

September 10, 2017

By Hugh Lavishly, Monrovia Here we go again. Trump is in the news for saying something “controversial.” This time he says he would prefer to be an emperor than a president. Of course the mainstream media has turned this into the next big controversy, claiming it spells gloom and doom for the concept of democracy…

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Report: John McCain To Take Short Break From Stroking Chin And Muttering “This Is Troubling”

July 3, 2017

According to sources on John McCain’s staff, the Senator will take a short break this afternoon from stroking his chin and muttering “this is troubling.” “This is troubling,” he said when approached by The Pasadenoid for a comment. Several McCain staffers told our newspaper they are becoming concerned that the Senator is losing touch with…

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Editorial: This Michael Phelps Race Is A Lose-Lose For Sharks Everywhere

June 18, 2017

by Winston Daniels, shark You have got to be kidding me. This is an absolute affront to sharks everywhere. Apparently some gangly human named Michael Phelps is going to attempt to race one of us in the water. This farce, my fellow sharks, is a lose-lose for our noble species. Please allow me to explain…

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Leaked: The Comey Memos

June 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid has obtained leaked memos from Comey’s personal file on his dealings with Donald Trump. We chose to publish them in hopes it would make us rich:  1.12.07 Omg! Tonight was the most embarrassing night ever! So I had to go to this stupid White House thing, which I didn’t want to go to at…

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Editorial: John, I Think You Should Get That Rash Checked Out

May 20, 2017

by Lorenne Davis, Altadena Hey John! Listen. I know you’re reading this. You’ve been ignoring my calls (and I don’t blame you for that), so I had to write a letter in your favorite local humor magazine to get this message across: I think you really need to get that rash on your upper thigh…

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Local Man Determined To Help Ed Werder Find New Job For Some Reason

April 27, 2017

Despite having no personal relationship with the man, a local resident is going out of his way to help recently unemployed NFL reporter Ed Werder. Werder had been a veteran for ESPN for years before being fired in a series of layoffs conducted by the organization this week. And now Pasadena resident Jim Sellers says…

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I Think I’ve Got My Swagger Back!

April 22, 2017

by Maggie Davis, Altadena Well hi ho! Would you look at me? I’m doing quite well! In good spirits! On the up and up! You might even say I have my “swagger” back! Yes, all my affairs are coming together quite nicely. I had hit a rough patch there for a while, and things were looking…

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New Soda Tax Won’t Apply To Mr. Pibb After Aggressive Lobbying Campaign

March 26, 2017

According to information obtained by The Pasadenoid, Pasadena’s new city-wide soda tax will apply to every brand of cola except for Mr. Pibb after an aggressive lobbying campaign. “Master Pibb will not allow sales to drop,” said his spokesperson, a giant cherry. “Yes, he would be none too pleased. That’s why he had to do some…

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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love!  I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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