Opinion: Left-Wing Regulation Caused The Chanukah Oil Shortage
By John Bassinger Greenleaf, Altadena
Kids, I’m going to tell you the story of Chanukah. This isn’t the Chanukah story you hear at your Reconstructionist Synagogue. And it’s certainly not the same one you’ll get from the left-wing media or that communist who calls himself my sister’s husband. This is the story of what the Maccabees did with just one day of oil after their fuel supply was waned by unnecessary fracking regulations, pursued by a paternalistic government.
This was in Ancient Greece in a land called Syria where a very bad man named Antiochus ruled. Antiochus was a tyrant, and hated the Jews. He was like most liberals – intolerant, self-righteous, and as informed as an incontinent man with assholes for ears, too busy shitting nonsense to let in any reason.
The Jews were decent people who wished only to practice their traditions, study the Torah, and process oil shale. But Antiochus banned them from speaking Hebrew or using new drilling technology, which could make them energy-independent in the next twenty years.
The Maccabee Jews were forced to hide their religion. And import from unreliable OPEC nations. They would study their ancient texts by using a spinning top called a dreidel, so that when Antiochus’ men came by, they could pretend they were simply playing games. And they formed SuperPACs that gave huge donations to political campaigns in order to skirt environmental regulations, which were made in the name of public health, but we all know their real agenda was anti-business. Don’t we, kids?
Antiochus had enormous power. He bullied the Maccabees with nonsense studies about air quality. He used his influence to create Hollywood propaganda movies like Gasland and Promised Land with Matt Damon, which you kids have to promise me you will never see.
The Maccabees went into hiding, and fought an intense, thorny war against Antiochus’ enormous army. Led by Mattathias and, his son, Judah - both good Republicans – the Maccabees defeated Antiochus, and reclaimed their old temple on top of a mountain (which they later mined for iron).
Yet, they were still saddled by the mistakes of Antiochus’ rules. Because of his tree-hugging policies, the Maccabees only had enough oil to dedicate the temple light for one night. But, by miracle – and fracking -, they were they able to make it last eight days, providing good union-free blue collar jobs and a booming business in the temple economy.
That, my children, is the story of how the Maccabees stopped the EPA from stealing Chanukkah.