Nation Has Mixed Feelings After Google Unveils New Wi-fi Obelisk


June 9, 2014 - Universe

Americans across the country registered deep feelings of ambivalence this week after the unveiling of Google’s new “Wi-FiObelisk,” a pointed, 120-foot pillar that offers free Wi-Fi to all within a 5-mile radius.

“Google is proud to provide free Wi-Fi at 4-G speeds to the people of Washington, D.C.,” said CEO Larry Page. “This mighty Obelisk stands as a symbol of our commitment to the free flow of information.”

The nation has expressed some reservations in response. Jerry Pedalski, a plumber from Austin, Texas, said, “It’s great having free Wi-Fi, I’m just confused why they put that obelisk right between the White House and thePentagon. I dunno, seems a little suspicious.”

Others across the nation have expressed similar inklings of vague doubt. “Don’t get me wrong, the Wi-Fi is very nice. You can stream Netflix on it no problem,” said Sharon Eichner from Alexandria, Maryland. “But last night, around 3AM, I heard three loud beeps, and then I saw the Obelisk shoot a bright green beam into the clouds for about 45 seconds. I have no idea what to make of that.”

The nation has also expressed mixed feelings about the Wi-Fi Obelisk’s terms of service, which have been written in an unidentified dead language. Linguists are currently working on deciphering the dead language, and by the end of the week they hope to determine if the Obelisk has access to their Facebook photos.

Responding to the nation’s ambivalence, Google CIO Ben Fried said, “We’ve received several questions about the Wi-Fi Obelisk, such as why it needs thousands of tiny, powerful cameras on its surface, or what the erratic rumblings beneath the soil of the monolith could portend. Unfortunately, we can’t answer all your questions. But rest assured that Google will soon be bringing a Wi-Fi Obelisk to every metropolitan area in the United States.”

Many across the nation have wondered if maybe someone at the FCC should look into this whole thing. When reached for comment, the FCC’s automated hotline said, “Google’s most recent product or service seems totally legal to us.”

With the success of Google’s new venture all but certain, Microsoft has announced plans to build its own Wi-Fi Pyramid.  Upon hearing Microsoft’s announcement, the nation reportedly rolled its eyes and said that the user interface will probably be shitty.