Memo: Westlake Elementary School To Be Shut Down Because Kids “Too Stupid To Learn”

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July 2, 2014 - Local

According to a recent memo from the school’s principal, Westlake Elementary will be forced to shut down operations because the students are too dumb to learn things.

“We are sad to report that after 35 years we will be forced to close down Westlake for good. Our numbers show the kids are just too plain stupid to learn skills or knowledge, and that is the whole point of a school,” he wrote in the memo.

“When we got that dumb-as-shit crop in ’09, we were concerned. But it kept getting worse. And now those snot-brained losers look like Nikolai Tesla compared to the burlap sacks of rocks who make up grades K-4,” he wrote.

Parents like Audriana Fische are shocked by the memo’s contents.

“I can’t done believe it. I know my little Clara isn’t one of those fancy-dancy ‘percentile kids’ but I thought she could a least dang learn a good bit decent!” she wrote on her blog.

A representative from the district declined to comment, except to say he was glad those “vapid blockheads” would stop driving down test scores.

Meanwhile, Lisa Dougherty from the City of Pasadena Public Welfare Office says her staff is investigating what exactly caused the school’s failure. She says an initial investigation identifies the nuclear reactor core underneath the school’s basement as a likely contributor.