Mayor Robert Sanchez Overheard Pledging To “Jam ‘Puppy Bill’” Down Council’s “Motherfucking Throats”

city hall

June 23, 2014 - Local

Mayor Robert Sanchez was overheard yesterday afternoon in a microphone gaffe pledging tough measures to pass a bill that would make July 17 “Puppies are Cute Day.”

“I’ll jam it down their motherfucking throats,” said Sanchez. “This is getting passed or every single one of those cocksuckers is gonna be in the doghouse bigtime come campaign season. No pun intended.”

The microphone gaffe lasted 27 seconds and contained 16 swear words. Sanchez apologized afterward and added that he doesn’t condone cursing and rarely uses such words in his daily lexicon. He also stated that, as is his normal policy, he will be having a reasoned discussion with each member of council about how the ‘Puppy Bill’ can be best designed to benefit the community.

“I’m not worried about [Councilman] George [Diegner]. He knows I’ll cut his fucking balls off come reelection time with the humane society money and rescue foundation endorsement. Neuter his goddamn campaign.”

A group of 7 Councilmembers are rumored to be considering attaching an amendment that would declare July 17 “Kittens are Adorable Day” in addition to “Puppies Are Cute Day”. Sanchez has said publicly he is not open to a compromise.

“The catlovers are mostly pussies – no pun intended,” said Sanchez. “But [Councilwoman] Anita [Lords] – I’m a bit of a scaredy cat with her. If she signs on, she’ll have three votes with her, so we’ve got to let her know that we’re not fucking kidding around here. Or kitten around. Okay, fine. Pun intended.”

A smaller group of Councilmembers, backed by Pasadena’s Equestrian Society, have already introduced a bill for July 17 to recognize the “therapeutic benefits and genuine intelligence” of horses. Sanchez seemed to dismiss them in his comments.

“[Councilwoman] Anne [Pasquale] and [Councilman] Steve [Chin] – they’re just trying to force concessions from me down the line with this horse amendment and they gotta know I ain’t gonna pony up. I’ll say it ‘til I’m hoarse. They’re beating a dead animal if they think I’m gonna give them more. Steve’s a long odds candidate this time around – and he needs me – so he better saddle the fuck up.”

“I’m serious about puppy day,” said Sanchez. “And I intend all these cocksucking puns.”

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