Local Prophet Also Conspiracy Theorist


June 30, 2014 - Local

Outside Pasadena’s country store, a homeless man with white curly hair who local residents call Two Dollar Tojo waits for customers. For just eight quarters, Tojo can provide you with a glimpse of your future. According to residents and Tojo himself, God has provided him with the ability to foretell residents’ futures.

“I asked him how Lost would end and he said it would be some trite bullshit,” said Cathleen Suster, a longtime Tojo customer. “And it was! I’ve been a customer ever since.”

John Provida swears by Tojo as well.

“He held his hand to my face, swung a stick in the air, and then told me my carburetor would fail,” said Provida. “11 months later, it did!”

But, recently, Tojo has ventured outside of his established brand of solid personal predictions to more established conspiracy theorizing about 9/11, the Kennedy Assassination, and vaccines’ relationship to autism.

Provida is one of many customers who are disappointed.

“When I pay my two dollars, I expect accurate information that Tojo has received from God almighty about the details of my immediate future like whether my boss is thinking about hiring someone to replace me. Lately, he’s been telling me about how the Illuminati started the Iraq War. It’s not true, not divine and, most of all, not useful!”

Tojo defends recent changes to his brand by saying information about worldwide happenings is relevant to customers’ daily lives.

“Will John Provida’s car start today? Did the Jews cause 9/11? Was Osama Bin Laden a Jew? Is Bin Laden in fact the snake who convinced Eve to pick an apple from the Tree of Knowledge? Did the Jews trick us into believing that bushes and trees are different? These are all questions that affect my customers’ everyday existence and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t answer them forthrightly,” said Tojo.

Suster says that she’s standing by Tojo.

“If Tojo says the Illuminati told Obama to release Bowe Bergdahl, it’s because God told him it was so. And I’m not going to question the word of God,” said Suster.

But Provida says that he simply doesn’t trust Tojo’s latest prophecies. Provida’s not alone; over the last two months, Tojo has lost 40% of customers.

“I think he’s just gone crazy,” said Provida.