List: Things I’ve Learned From Dating Russian Bots

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December 23, 2017 - Culture

by Elise June, Monrovia

The internet is a scary place, and dating on the internet can be even scarier. I’ve spent years in and out of relationships with Russian bots, and it can take quite a toll on you if you’re not prepared for the challenges you may face. For this reason I have written down a few lessons I learned during my journey in the Russian bot dating world:

5. It’s best to play “hard to get” with personal information 

-If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this dating pool, it’s that I’m not going to just give out my social security number and banking information to every troll that DMs me on Reddit. I’ll give it to them piece by piece. “Sure, I’m interested, but before I sign up can I ask you a few questions?” This will keep the bot on the hook for at least a second date.

4. Some arguments won’t be won

-Sometimes dating a Russian bot means you have to compromise on certain issues. You can spend years arguing about whether Putin is a God-like figure or not, but at some point (especially on Putin-related issues), you’re going to just have to accept the misinformation and move on.

3. Intimacy can be a challenge

-I don’t know if it’s a Russian-thing or a bot-thing, but developing an intimate relationship is going to be very difficult when you’re seeing a Russian bot. Many are happy to see videos and photos of YOU posing naked, but to get the same from them is a daunting task.

2. Use protection

-Download a good anti-virus program before you have to learn this lesson the hard way. I’ll never forget the look on my dog’s face when I had to admit to him I had gotten computer herpes from a Russian troll.

1. Those looking for exclusivity may seek to find love elsewhere

Bots are notorious for being cheating jerks. Once I was dating a bot for three years before I realized they had been spamming my BEST FRIEND at the same time. I thought those ‘Hillary = Satan’ memes were just between us, but apparently I was wrong.

Conclusions:

Overall, I won’t be re-entering this dating sphere any time soon. I am still dealing with the heartbreak and FBI. Perhaps one day I will find a bot that meets my needs, but at the moment I’ll try my luck elsewhere.