Due To Budget Cuts, Kids To Be Educated Using ‘The Facts Of Life’ DVDs

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October 24, 2017 - Local

by Rod Spencer, School Board President

Dear Townspeople,

Over the last 6 years, I have worked hard on the Pasadena Unified School District board in order to ensure all of the children in our town receive a quality education. This has proven to be a very difficult task, especially when considering funding to our schools is about 600 times smaller than funding to our mayor’s sick horse Ronnie (no offense Ronnie, but I just don’t see how those expensive organic oats from Whole Foods are going to to help fix your bursitis).

That is why I am here today to announce a new method of education that may prove equally effective and far more cost-friendly:

Let’s have our kids sit in a room and watch ‘The Facts Of Life’ in its entirety. In my living room.

This may seem like a radical proposal, but I assure you it will provide the ability for our children to live in the world. TFOL teach crucially important lessons, like how to deal with someone looking in your diary (cry), how to exploit your mother’s pizza recipe to make a successful business (yes this was an actual episode), and what happens when you run away from home (you become a prostitute).

Now, maybe you’re saying to yourself “Hey Rod, I get how ‘The Facts Of Life’ might help prepare our children for the future, but why do they have to watch it in your living room?”

Well, the answer to that is because I have the DVD box set with all of the special features and commentary. You don’t want your kids getting anything but the best education, right?

Anyway, my proposal has already passed through City Hall (the old school budget will go towards Ronnie’s hair transplant…which is supposed to make him “feel better enough to commit to his physical therapy”) so I’m really just writing this for a lark anyway. The school buses already have been rerouted to my apartment.

So I hope you like the new plan! In the meantime, come on in, kids! Let’s learn a little bit about what it means to be an adult. I made a coffee cake for us all to enjoy during today’s episode. Can someone make sure the cat doesn’t get out again? Cool let’s put on an episode.

 

› tags: education / television /