Leaked: The Comey Memos

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June 4, 2017 - Universe

The Pasadenoid has obtained leaked memos from Comey’s personal file on his dealings with Donald Trump. We chose to publish them in hopes it would make us rich: 

1.12.07

Omg! Tonight was the most embarrassing night ever!

So I had to go to this stupid White House thing, which I didn’t want to go to at all because Janey was having friends over. But in the end I decided if I didn’t go everyone at the FBI would make a big deal of it (drama!)  so I decided to grin and bear it. But let me tell you, it was a disaster right from the start.

First, I was having a horrible hair day. It was so frizzy and all over the place. I tried so many different hairsprays but nothing worked! Ugh. Comey? More like ‘Needs a Comb-y”. I hate going to work not feeling beautiful!

By the time I arrive, I’m so upset I just want to get it over with and go home. But then I see Donald, and he’s being a huge creeper. Great.

He keeps trying to hug me. I try hiding in the curtains but finally he grabs me and hugs me in front of everyone. I can’t believe it! Now everyone is going to think we’re together. What a freaking jerk!

1.27.07

So guess who I just had dinner with? I’ll give you a hint, I’m crying. Yep, Donald Trump.

He asked me to dinner this morning, and at first I was going to say no way in hell. Not after how he embarrassed me at the White House! But then I talked to Robbie and he said I should go. And since Robbie is older than me I always take his advice.

So I say yes. And he says “Perfect.” Ugh! He’s so weird and creepy!

I get there and immediately he starts asking about Russia stuff. And it becomes obvious. He didn’t want to have dinner with me, James Comey. He wanted to have dinner with the Director of the FBI, because of his own selfish work problems. Typical man! What a jerk.

So the whole dinner he keeps asking if he’s under investigation, and the whole time I just want to cry and leave. Eventually he starts yelling and begging me to be loyal to him. Loyal to a big selfish jerk? I don’t think so!

Finally I tell him he’s missing the Super Bowl and he freaks out and runs away. That is a good trick to know for the future.

5.10.17

Well memos, I guess I have to look for a new job. Yep I got fired. After everything I’ve done for the FBI. And Donald doesn’t even have the nerve to do it to my face. I found out giving a speech! I died of embarrassment. It was the worst moment ever.

Then, Donald goes on Twitter and starts saying I shouldn’t talk to anyone or he’s going to post naked pics of me or something? What a freaking creep!!! Omg!!

Of course the whole thing is SO MUCH DRAMA and I’m getting phone calls from everyone including CNN and my mom. It seems like everyone cares about what happened but not how I’m feeling. Well mom, I’m broken inside. Ok? You guys will never understand what I’m going through.

Ugh. Honestly, maybe it’s better he fired me. Now I can move on from him and his crap. I’ll let Robbie handle the work from here. I just want to have a drink and vent to my friends in Congress about what happened.

› tags: comey / fbi / trump /