Job Board – January

job board

January 14, 2016 - Bulletin

Barista Turned Fast Food Drive-Thru Attendant

We are a competitor to Starbucks, seeking baristas who have been humiliated during a transition to smaller stores and forced to work at the drive-thru window. The best applicants have had their soul dragged out by management onto the kitchen floor and stomped on vigorously. Regular drive-thru attendants need not apply.

Creepy Barkeep 

Old, mysterious motel seeks off-putting barkeep to maintain unsettling vibes. Must be able to check IDs and make drinks for residents/ghosts. The best candidates have a penchant for giving vague warnings about the future that end up coming true but in a surprising way that render the advice useless in the end.

Be A Member Of My Gang

Hey there, I’m starting a new local gang. But instead of being about money and violence, my gang is going to be about friendship and love. We’re going to create a community that lives in harmony because everyone is so afraid of what our gang will do to them if they step out of line. To join, just email newlovegang@gmail.com and provide photo evidence of you committing an armed robbery at a bank or liquor store.

Scapegoat

Company looking for drifter to take fall for numerous financial/ethical crimes. Applicants should be adept at lying and happy to spend the rest of their lives in a posh, white-collar prison. Must be comfortable admitting to hiring slaves, denying medical care to thousands, and irreversibly poisoning ecosystems.

Rumpelstiltskin

Kingdom looking for impish creature to fulfill narrative device. Applicants, please wear shoes to the interview.

 

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