Investigation: I Took Psychedelic Drugs And Joined ISIS To Teach My Dad Why Black Lives Matter

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July 14, 2016 - Universe

by Dean Winthrop, Investigative Reporter

What’s up squares? I address you informally because I’m a modern investigative reporter, meaning I like to party and be mellow and unprofessional about my job. I don’t really research things or write stuff down or any of that stuff.

Anyway, when my dad told me something about Black Lives Matter (I don’t remember what it was because I was on my phone), I decided it was up to me to teach him how to become more tolerant.

And I knew it was going to require a lot of psychedelic drugs.

I INGESTED AN ABSURD AMOUNT OF PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS THE NEXT DAY

Including Psilocybin, LSD, Ibogaine, 3 quarts of essential lemon oil, a bucket of Ayuhasca, Rixafimide, Egyptian Spirit Lamb Shanks, and a Peyote smoothie sprinkled with DMT molecules. I took the drugs with my friend Brett present to act as my ‘trip-sitter’, a sober guide who could help me keep my cool if the situation got out of hand.

Once I had ingested all the different psychedelics, Brett and I prepared to join the most hated terrorist organization in the world.

BUT IT TURNS OUT JOINING ISIS WASN’T AS EASY AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

Trying to sign up online is super confusing, especially when you’re tripping balls on a combination of chemicals that should probably kill you. The problem Brett and I were having was that we didn’t know if the recruiters we were talking to were legit or FBI. Or serial rapists/murderers.

The other problem we were having was that I was rolling around on the floor, vomiting and screaming. I was having vivid hallucinations and had completely lost my sanity. The only thing my poor trip-sitter could do was pace around the room nervously and debate whether he should call 911.

WHEN I WOKE UP 19 HOURS LATER, I REALIZED SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN’T TEACH YOUR PARENTS THINGSĀ 

I needed to go to the hospital immediately for severe dehydration, so the plan wasn’t going to work out. I had also forgotten how to talk. My experiment would have to wait a couple of weekends at least.

Anyway I learned that maybe parents are ‘parents’ for a reason- they don’t often get caught up in young people’s ideas. It’s just how the world works. I don’t know. I’m still scarred from all the mental stuff. This was all six years ago and I just remembered how to talk yesterday. Every single night I have vivid flashbacks about the experience in which I relive it in exact detail.

But I do know one thing for sure. Black Lives Matter.

 

› tags: dean winthrop / drugs / investigative / ISIS / vice /