Editorial: I Know Who Does And Does Not Wash Their Hands After Going To The Bathroom

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May 10, 2015 - Local

By James Worley, Pasadena

Dear Townspeople,

Over that last twenty years of my life, I have worked as a bathroom attendant at many of Pasadena’s most popular locales. I have watched many of you go in and out of stalls during my time in bathrooms at numerous hotels, restaurants, downtown’s Memorial Park, the Rose Bowl, and six, yes, all six, movie theaters.

I write to you today to inform you that through my time I have come upon a unique and useful set of information, which I wish to present to you today:

I know which of you wash your hands when you use the bathroom.

In fact, through my own meticulous research and I have developed a list of names and created a ledger that covers almost 90% of Pasadena’s population.

And there’s more. Through the help of my friend Ronnie who’s good with computers, I have developed a website with a list of names and corresponding photographs divided into two categories:

WASHES

or

DOESN’T WASH

Yes, this is really happening.

So here is my proposition: I would like you people to come together and raise $400,000. I would like you to leave it in a well-made safe under the right sink in the lobby bathroom of the Super 8 on Colorado by the eve on the 21st.

Police should take note that anyone who happens to frequent Dinkley’s Donuts, you know, the one right next to the police station, is most certainly on my list.

If you are unable or unwilling to do so, prepare to suffer the consequences. I will make the website live after midnight.

Got you bitches,

James

Comments

  1. […] 57, stirred outrage in Pasadena on Monday after threatening to post a list of who does and does not wash their hands after using the bathroom. The threat sparked outrage across the community as city leaders turned to […]