Hundreds of Child Slave Laborers Freed From Salon.com Content Factory

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July 3, 2015 - Universe

The FBI raided Salon.com headquarters Friday morning, liberating hundreds of unpaid foreign-born slave children who were forced to write mindless thinkpieces for Salon.com’s content factory. The stunning and heartbreaking scene was mitigated only by the joy of the small children finally released after years of taking annoying contrarian views against their will in predictable stream-of-consciousness posts written at the level of a college freshman.

“It was horrible. I am so glad to be free!,” said Jennifer Hu, age 8. “After the Rachel Dolezal scandal, the Salon.com overseers were vicious. They made me type empty clickbait until my fingers ached and my eyes bled with exhaustion. What does, ‘Why we can’t afford to ignore Rachel Dolezal’ even mean! She was only a volunteer president of a small NAACP chapter.”

Nikhil Mukherji, age 10, told The Pasadenoid about his journey into child slavery. “My dad said that I needed to go to America to have opportunity so he paid a man to take me by boat.

“When I got to America, there was a Salon.com man who said that I couldn’t write or call my parents and that I must stay with him and write thinkpieces. I said, ‘Can they have nuance?’ And the man grabbed me and shouted, ‘No! Nuance does not bring clicks!’”

Nikhil described a dim and grim basement where children were often not allowed to go to the bathroom and even the most out-of-context quotes were taken as an excuse to call comedians and entertainers ‘racist.’

“I hope Trevor Noah will find it in his heart to forgive me,” said Nikhil

After the raid, Media Matters published a post, “The FBI Just Raided A Child Thinkpiece Content Factory. The Children Are Thrilled. Here’s Why Bill O’Reilly Isn’t.”