From the Mayor’s Office: Why I Clubbed That Rabbit at the Charity Golf Outing
August 18, 2014 - Local
by Mayor Robert Sanchez
My Precious Little Sheep-People,
I write to you with a heavy heart and an unrelated raging boner. According to my press secretary Darnell, my mind has been troubled by the events of last weekend and I need to make some things clear to the public.
But first, a quick digression. Every great politician will face questions from critics about decision-making. FDR took heat for using public funds to create welfare programs. Lincoln faced scorn for his smelly hat that he never washed. And even that pretty boy Barry Obama has been criticized for drones or being black or whatever the hell it is (I don’t really read the news).
So just remember that when you read this letter. Everyone, including political demi-gods like myself make mistakes. Now it looks like it is my turn to face the public after last weekend’s charity golf outing in Altadena. That was when I…umm…
…beat a wild rabbit with my golf club until it died.
Now, if you are looking for me to apologize for my actions, you will be disappointed. I never apologize for my actions. That would be like the wind apologizing for blowing over a house. I am an unstoppable force of nature that can hardly understand, much less control, my kickass decision-making.
With that said, I want to come clean about exactly why I chose to did what I did:
1. I was really hungry
I hadn’t eaten all day because some intern that will not be named forgot my lunch. Ok it was Jason Spitz and that fucker was fired immediately. It didn’t help that my lunch was supposed to be a grilled rabbit sandwich.
2. The rabbit was mocking me
No matter what his moronic family says, that rabbit was making fun of me for being +29 through five holes. I could see it in his snide little whiskers. I could see the laughter in those soulless black eyes. The rabbit was being a total dick and at least God knows he got what he deserved.
3. Rabbits killed my grandmother’s immediate family
She keeps insisting it was Nazis but she’s like a million years old so she can’t be trusted.
4. I have a horrible temper as well as an impulse-control disorder
This one should be pretty self-explanatory.
So there. I’m not sorry, and I would beat the hell out of that rabbit 1,000,000 times over and probably make it even more bloody so his sinful, lying family could be sprayed with their loved one’s gore.
And if you think I’m worried about losing votes, I couldn’t be less. You idiots voted for me after I spent the $6,000,000 for our new city bus program on cocaine and strippers. Or when I cheated on my wife with those interns in the Staples parking lot in the middle of the day. I mean, seriously people? I must have some damn good facial symmetry or something because I have no idea how I’ve been in office so long.
So yeah, that’s what I have to say on the issue. I’m not sorry for shit and I hope every rabbit who dares considering making fun of my golf game heeds this as a lesson.
Mayor Robert “Dirty But No Not That Kind Of Dirty” Sanchez