From the Mayor’s Office: What Happened To The Funds For Pasadena’s New Bus System
August 30, 2015 - Local
by Mayor Robert Sanchez
1.6 million dollars.
Whew, that was a lot of cash.
It was my big shot. My chance to make a real impact and affirm my legacy as the greatest mayor in the history of this great town of Pasadena. 1.6 million dollars to make the most high-flying, zip-lining, rootinest’, tootinest’, snacks free of gluten-est fucktastic bus system this side of Des Moines, Iowa.
So you’re probably wondering what happened. Why we don’t have a bus system, and the money is all gone. Well, I preach for openness in government, so I will tell you the whole story. Like all great political narratives, this one started in the heart of Las Vegas…
…It hadn’t been 24 hours after the passage of the bill that I was sitting in my lucky poker seat at Mandalay Bay (it’s the one with the cigarette burn in the bottom left corner…near where the hookers pass by on their Chick Fil-A runs). I tell you, good citizens, I was feeling lady luck that night. I was rubbing her belly like an Altadena farmer rubs his prize-winning warthog at the Pasadena Annual Hog Expo. And she rewarded me with threes, jacks, reds, blacks, whatever I needed. Soon enough I was up $12,000 and feeling intoxicated by my success and the endless supply of whiskey sours.
I was seated next to some ignorant gentleman who had the nerve to tell me he thought Pasadena, Texas was the superior Pasadena. Ha! Normally I wouldn’t argue with such a vapid imbecile, but the liquor was hitting me hard that night my friends. I couldn’t stand the thought that someone could think some hick-ridden landfill is a nicer place to live than the god damn birthplace of the cheeseburger!
So I decided to place a friendly wager.
“Listen here you big piece of….poop,” (the liquor had also zapped my creativity).
“If you lose this next hand, you must promise me you’ll move to Pasadena!” I roared with delight.
“And if you lose?” he asked like an idiot.
“You can get the $1.6 million for our new city buses,” I said.
Now, in retrospect, I realize this was not the most professional thing I could have done in that situation. In fact, it was probably the least professional, short of pulling my pants down and mooning him. But the cards were just too good, and I was filled with such raging pride and flowing sexuality for our wonderful city!
He took the bet. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to get this numskull to move to our town. I began plotting ways to humiliate him like going through his garbage and changing Mother’s Day to a new holiday where townspeople go to his house to point and laugh at him.
Soon enough the cards were dealt…$1.6 million on the line. I picked up my cards and couldn’t believe my eyes.
Double aces. That’s right. It’s as if Jesus wanted me to spend the town’s funds on a poker game.
The dealer played out the hand, and finally Mr. Littledick from Pasadena, Texas was forced to reveal his cards: a three and a two.
I couldn’t believe it. I won.
I just had to moon him.
(To be continued…)