Four Reasons NEVER To Hire An Introvert

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June 17, 2015 - Universe

Introverts. Are. The. Worst.

By Tobias Maynesbury, author of Why Introverts Will Fuck Your Wife

1)   Introverts are terrible at socializing. Socializing is important in a work place. Small talk is crucial for forming bonds with coworkers and navigating office politics. Why not hire an extrovert! Extroverts get it.

2)   Introverts are cowardly. Some people think extroverts are ‘better’ at social interaction. And they are! Extroverts fight their way fearlessly into each conversation much like Patton in WWII. Introverts tend to be more cautious in social interactions, waiting for just the right time to strike. Much like a terrorist or a poisonous snake that kills a small child.

3)   Introverts are thinkers. Not doers. Extroverts tend to jump right into any task they’re given. Introverts, on the other hand, are much more introspective and think through their challenges first, wasting valuable time being self-absorbed and purposeless. Much like a black hole of uselessness, a sponge that absorbs only itself or (why not?!) Hitler.

4)   Introverts are conceited. Have you ever wondered what an introvert is thinking about when he or she isn’t chatting it up at the office ice cream social or making a joke during your weekly meetings? Researchers have discovered the three most common introvert thoughts: a) Judgment. They’re judging everything you do.  b) Blog posts. Introverts won’t talk to you but they will talk about themselves online. And when you actually hear their side of the story, you realize that in reality, beneath the shy core, is actually unbearable arrogance. c) Adultery. Introverts love to fuck your wife and they spend endless hours scheming how.

So, next time you’re interviewing someone and he or she is absolutely delightful, consider hiring them! Extroverts have all the same skills as introverts!

Plus, they’ll be great for karaoke night and they won’t fuck your wife.

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