Editorial: Why I Put All That Old Halloween Taffy Down The Garbage Disposal

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March 4, 2018 - Local

by Jim Swanson, Altadena

Ok, Jane. I owe you an explanation, don’t I? That seems reasonable enough I suppose. Well, here goes:

Life has been tough recently. When I lost my job at SpaceX for putting gum in the rocket boosters, I assumed I’d be back on my feet shortly. Six years later, I’m beginning to have doubts I will find another job anytime soon.

Then of course Billy had that medical incident after I jammed play dough into his nose. God, that was awful. The stress was bad enough, but when Aetna tried to tell us we owed $40,000 for the duck-face transplant surgery I almost lost it.

And we can’t forget that time last month in church where I got caught by Pastor Sean sticking dehydrated mango pieces covered with honey into the spaces between the interconnected pews. And let’s be honest. Sean has been on my case ever since that I rubbed melted caramel into his hair.

So you can see I’ve been stressed. When I saw that leftover taffy in the pantry, I don’t know what came over me. It was just the culmination of a bad couple of years, I suppose. But I know it’s no excuse, and I owe you a sincere apology.

I shouldn’t have chewed an enormous ball of stale Laffy Taffys and then put it in the garbage disposal and turned it on.

But I’m hoping we can move forward.  I’d love to come home and see you and the kids.

With love,

Jim

P.S. Please send moist towelettes there’s been an incident.