Editorial: What a Grown Man Does in the Privacy of His Sesame Street Kiddie Pool is None of Your Goddamn Business

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June 16, 2014 - Local

It could be argued that property has been the source of all of mankind’s greatest struggles, dating as far back as Cain and Abel, and who knows, perhaps even further than that. In fact, this great country was founded on the principle that every man had the right to private property.

SO DON’T YOU FUCKING LECTURE ME ON WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T DO IN MY OWN KIDDIE POOL, LINDA. My Civics knowledge is a little bit rusty, but I don’t think that the Constitution states anywhere the legality of videotaping a man without his consent while he enjoys the company of Big Bird, Ernie, and the rest of the gang whilst floating in aqueous Shangri-La.

In 1973, the Supreme Court opinion in Roe v. Wade clearly established an individual’s right to privacy as protected under federal law. While I may not be a woman seeking an abortion, I feel that this case is still relevant in the matter at hand. Do you think it’s so hilarious when I make virgin daiquiris for my favorite stuffed animals and let them cool off in the kiddie pool on a hot summer day, Linda? The fact that you can see my friends and I through the slats in your fence doesn’t give you reason to stand there with your mouth open. I know what you do with those Japanese eggplants in your home office, so don’t try me. AN EYE FOR AN EYE- READ THE FUCKING CONSTITUTION, LADY.

Really, I’m just sad for you, Linda. Don’t you have better ways to spend your time than recording my leisure time and submitting it to America’s Funniest Home Videos? There’s a great big world out there to explore, and if you did some traveling, I think you’d learn that people might be amused by what you consider normal, like that eggplant thing. But if I catch you spying on me in the meantime, just know that I have a SuperSoaker with your name on it. As someone important once said, “A man’s kiddie pool is his castle.” God, I love this country.

And if you just wanted to join, all you had to do is ask.