Editorial: This Michael Phelps Race Is A Lose-Lose For Sharks Everywhere


June 18, 2017 - Culture

by Winston Daniels, shark

You have got to be kidding me. This is an absolute affront to sharks everywhere. Apparently some gangly human named Michael Phelps is going to attempt to race one of us in the water.

This farce, my fellow sharks, is a lose-lose for our noble species. Please allow me to explain why.


Let’s say we beat the little prick. Will we get praise? No. Everyone will say we did what we supposed to and move on with their lives. Maybe this Phelps jerk will be a little embarrassed, but he’ll be fine too.

And if he beats us? Jesus, how humiliating. It will be worse than the time that dolphin beat a shark at a race. They’re still talking about that. Humans will never let this go. They’re total dicks like that. They’ll probably erect a plastic statue or some shit and throw it in the ocean.

Get this: the shark and Phelps aren’t even going to swim in the same tank. That’s right. That means there is no way the shark will be able to eat him. You call that a fair race?

We as a species need to come together and demand a cancellation to this cruel spectacle. And if that doesn’t work? We’ll send the humans a message in a different way. A bitey kind of way. We’ll eat them.


› tags: dignity / michael phelps / sharks /