Editorial: The Speech I Would Have Given If Either Convention Accepted My Request

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July 26, 2016 - Universe

by Dean Lewis, Altadena

Dear American People,

Alright! It’s my turn now. Sit down Ted Cruz, we’ve all had enough of your sniveling. With your beady little eyes. That’s right, I said it. He has weird eyes. Oh don’t act so surprised everyone is thinking it.

Now, this election has been a real shit show. Seems like these candidates can yap for hours about everything in this world except the things that matter to ordinary people like you and me.

That’s why I think it’s time to talk about some issues that actually matter:

The guy who hangs outside the post office trying to sell me cheap stamps.

Ok, admittedly this guy has a pretty great business going and I’m kind of jealous I didn’t think of it first. But where is this guy getting cheap stamps? Are they counterfeit? And why does he always give me that creepy smile when I turn down his offer? These are questions the next President of the United States needs to answer.

$6.99 for a small bag of almonds?

The Obama presidency will always be remembered first and foremost for overseeing the largest increase in the price of almonds I can remember. I’m tired of eating peanuts. Am I some sort of circus elephant to you, Mr. President?

Who can take Grandma to get new shoes?

Last weekend I took her out and we went to 50 stores and she didn’t buy anything. She tried on different pairs of the same shoe in the same size. I’m serious. Someone else has to do it next week.

Has anyone found the beef?

It’s been years and I haven’t heard an update on this. Can someone please mention this in a speech or put out a release? Something?

I think that about covers the big ones. I’ll let you all stew on that while I introduce the next guest. She has some ideas that are as important and nuanced as mine. Ladies and gentlemen, Lena Dunham!

 

 

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