Editorial: Thank You All For Helping Me Destroy The Planet
by William T. Bates, President of Reckless Plastic Corporation
Dear Citizens Of The World,
When I inherited my father’s little plastic shop in Pasadena, CA in 1924, I never thought it would grow to be a global multi-billion dollar company that would change the industry from top to bottom.
And now with our recent acquisition of Neglegencia Plastics, I am happy to announce we now own 97% of the production of core plastic materials in the world.
On this momentous day, I wish to thank you, the people of the world, for helping me finally achieve my goal of COMPLETELY ELIMINATING LIFE ON PLANET EARTH.
Yes, that is correct. Allow me to explain:
Ever since I was a young boy, I was naturally distrustful of others. My awkward frame and stereotypical ‘outcast’ persona exposed me to cruel embarrassments from my peers (e.g., “Oh wow, Willie posts on 4chan and keeps a diary of crazed poetry. What a unique and interesting loner.”). Overcome with shame, I found myself drifting into a new reality filled with self-reinforcing subreddits and violent video games which gradually turned me into a bitter delusional person.
So in time, I grew to detest the human race, and the idea of ‘life’ in general. Why should others be happy when I am not? Etc.
When I entered college and my dreary old dad passed away, I realized I had a fantastic opportunity handed to me. Here I was in possession of the means to make a substance that is immensely useful, replaceable, and indestructible. It’s incredibly cheap to make and the products are so flimsy they’ll have to be replaced constantly. It was a perfect plan.
The plastics market was already booming when my father passed away, so utilizing his best staff I was able to ride the market, creating an established name on the west coast which would eventually spread across the globe. It was so beautiful. Each little fork, container lid, and Bratz doll would wreak havoc on the environment, ultimately degrading into tiny little plastic particles that would overcome the ecosystem and destroy every single living thing on this planet.
Ha! Hahaha! I guess dreams really can come true.
The pleasure I get from watching you people drown yourself in poison every single day almost makes me want to spare this planet. But no, I am committed to my goal. And so is the guy from Starbucks who has been in on it too.
So now that you know the awful truth, I just want to say thank you again. Thank you for being lazy. Thank you for not feeling pangs of guilt when you use plastic products. Thank you for only electing Jimmy Carter once.
And if you’re thinking now you can finally change your ways (which is a laughable suggestion in it’s own right), I can only tell you this:
It’s already too late.
William T. Bates
President and CEO
Reckless Plastic Corp.