Editorial: Spring Updates To New Year’s Resolutions

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April 30, 2018 - Local

by Jim Stanley, Altadena

1. Exercise more

-I jogged three times in January, once in February, and have gained 18 pounds since March. 

2. Give up drinking

-And then Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah happened. Yikes. 

3. Apologize to Diane for stealing her gardening equiptment

-Who am I, Superman? Never should have promised this. 

4. Clean the rats out of the gutter.

-Don’t know why this was on the list in the first place. Not causing any severe issues right now…

5. Fix things with Margaret

-She died. And according to the Visalia Police Department it wasn’t my fault. Since we’re not fighting anymore I might count this one was a win. 

6. Try speed-dating

-My last date ended within 30 seconds of me using the word “clambake”, so I think that counts. 

7. Climb Machu Picchu

-Geez, I can be a real pretentious jerk sometimes. 

6. Give up binge-eating mothballs while writing humor editorials

-Never!