EDITORIAL: Oh Stock Market! What Have We Done To Upset Ye?
August 25, 2015 - Universe
by Brian T. Moynihan
Oh Stock Market! Oh Mightiest of Markets! Why do you breathe such hate? Why do you cause such chaos! Why are your numbers so shitty?
What have we done to upset Ye, oh Stockiest Of Trading Places?
Have we not pleased Ye? Have we not sacrificed everything to Ye? Our country? Our ethics? Our souls? What more do Ye require oh Mighty One?
We do not understand Ye! Ye are too great in size and scope! Ye are too complicated, with all your digits and such. We don’t truly know why Uber is worth a billion dollars, we just thought that’s what you wanted us to say!
Perhaps Ye thinks we have forgotten about You? Oh Mighty Market, just because Bernie Sanders is able to draw thousands to rallies doesn’t mean we have forsaken you! Don’t you see how your prophet, Trump, has stolen votes from the false gods in the GOP field? Have faith, our Deliverer of Dollars!
Mighty Market, deliver us from this hell you have wrought upon ourselves! Tell us who to smite and they shall be smitten! Tell us which employees are unnecessary and we shall fire them and take larger bonuses! Please, oh Marky Market!
We shall never find a force as great as Ye! Yes ye, who have provided us with such wonderful memories of high profits and doing coke on the laps of the prostitutes!
We will show you we still worship you. Bang the drums, Carl! Move thy feet! The Market is a beast who is angry with us! We must repent! Sing the song, Carl! Sing it loud enough for the Market to hear!
We have seen what the Holy Market is capable of. Sure, 95% of people won’t feel the effects of this crash, but we as Your Chosen Ones understand what you are doing. We know that there is nothing worse than to invest in Ye and then Ye takes our money!
Even if you choose to destroy us, Market, we know that it is Your will and so we shall accept the fate. We will drown in our greed, if that is what you desire, for we know no other way than being amoral greedy assholes.
But please spare us, Most Complicated One. We have destroyed an entire planet just for Ye. Deliver us to prosperity with your green manna. Shower us with checks we can use to buy out our competition and put our eggs in multiple industries to protect our investments.
Please, just give us money, oh Market. We’ve given everything else to you. Is this really the fate we deserve?