Editorial: I’m Not Delusional. They’re Delusional.
October 25, 2015 - Universe
by U.S. Senator Jim Webb
This is absurd. Impossible. It simply can’t be.
I’m not the crazy one here. They’ve got it all wrong. They’re the crazy ones!
How could anyone not believe I am the best candidate for President of the United States?
I’m objectively perfect for the job. I’m strong, handsome, and experienced; and my liberal social stances combined with my military expertise should clearly make me the greatest candidate in history to ever run for the nation’s highest office!
That’s why I know the others must be wrong or crazy. Telling me I have no chance. Psh. The pundits, the media, my campaign staff, the polls, and my family must have all completely lost their minds!
That’s the only explanation that makes sense. How could things be so clear in my eyes and yet others feel convinced the exact opposite situation is reality?
They will see. Soon enough the papers will be begging me for comments on…well…anything. My campaign staff will grovel and apologize for suggesting I should drop out. My children will stop sitting me down and sensitively explaining that I’m a wonderful father but perhaps President of the United States is a bit out of reach.
Honestly, I’m already President Webb. President Jim Webb of the United States of America. You can start calling me that. Anyone who doesn’t call me that is delusional.
Now if you don’t mind, I need to do more work on designing my executive staff. Hillary won’t give me a hard answer on whether she’ll accept my offer to be Secretary of Commerce. Frankly, I don’t think it’s wise to keep President Webb waiting on an answer.