Editorial: Let’s Make This Town So Weird We All Agree We Took It Too Far

800px-Church_of_Scientology_Pasadena,_California

May 27, 2014 - Local

by Jake Sanford, Pasadena

You know, I can’t help notice that other cities like Portland and Austin are some of the fastest growing cities in the nation. Why isn’t Pasadena on such a list? We’ve got a good thing going here, so what are we missing?

After further investigation, I’ve discovered that these cities are not only the fastest-growing in the nation but also the weirdest. They’re strange as hell. I mean, Portland has bike shops that are also bars. And Austin had a homeless transvestite run for mayor.

Well I say we show these cities that Pasadena is not afraid to be weird too. In fact, I say we make this town so strange, so twisted, so god damn freaky deaky that we all come to agree we took this idea way too far.

I say, let’s make our town’s children do weird unsightly things, like wear makeup painted faces on the back of their heads. Let’s have traffic lights be all black. This is the kinda stuff we need to make Pasadena the greatest in the world.

I say we blaze toward the future with festivals based on astral patterns in which we watch pornos backwards and eat starfish. And maybe then someone gets eaten by a giant starfish. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here. But you get what I’m saying, right?

Let’s have things so weird that you can’t walk through Old Town without being sick to your stomach…puking your guts out on the street because you just witnessed an obese woman dressed as a parachute doing surgery on herself. And this all takes place while the International Cannibalism Conference is occurring in the downtown Marriott.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we need to make things so absurd, so twisted, and so over-the-top ridiculous that we all look around at each other and say:

“Jesus Christ, we went way overboard with this one. Like, way, way, way, too far.”

If we want to be number one, we need to make this town so weird that it becomes the most dangerous and psychologically torturous town in the world.

So who’s with me?