Editorial: John, I Think You Should Get That Rash Checked Out
May 20, 2017 - Local
by Lorenne Davis, Altadena
Hey John! Listen. I know you’re reading this. You’ve been ignoring my calls (and I don’t blame you for that), so I had to write a letter in your favorite local humor magazine to get this message across:
I think you really need to get that rash on your upper thigh checked out. Seriously, John.
This is not about our problems. I know I shouldn’t have cheated on you with those robots at the Amazon warehouse. But this isn’t about that. It isn’t about me.
It’s about that grotesque orange-green bloody rash.
Have you seen Dr. Pinsky yet? I can’t understand why you keep cancelling the appointments. This is not a “heat rash” as you keep saying. This looks some crazy jungle fungus shit. You might lose the whole leg, honestly.
This thing might kill you, John. And while we all would love to travel back in time to 2014 when your leg was fine and I hadn’t yet experienced the ecstasy of multiple packing robots pleasuring me in ways humans aren’t meant to comprehend, that just isn’t an option. We’re stuck with reality. So get that rash checked out before you die.
Let’s talk soon,