Editorial: In Which I Tell You The Names Of The Plants In My Garden And Why I Named Them So
June 19, 2016 - Local
By Howard Rosenthal, Sierra Madre
Orange Tree – “Erasmus”
He’s large in stature but calm, quiet, and thoughtful in his demeanor like the great theologian.
Eggplant – “Porter”
Porter is a burly fellow who can rough it with any other of the vegetables. I call him Porter because he reminds me of a rutabaga I grew last summer who I also named Porter.
Basil plant – “Abigail”
This plant was named for my dear sweet Aunt Abigail, who always made me the most delicious pesto when I was a young schoolgirl in Vienna. Oh my how I miss her dearly.
Azalea – “Bessie”
Bessie is a kind and delicate young lass. She makes me feel soft and buttery when I whisper sweet nothings to her. I call her Bessie because that was the name of my ex-wife who died (I didn’t kill her).
Oregano plant – “Herm”
He just looks like a Herm. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Cardamom – “Big Mama”
Short for Big Carda-Mama. Because she’s gotten so big since April! I also call her Janice sometimes.
Marigolds – “Leslie”, “Cranks”, and “Two-Butt Arnold”
Leslie is self-explanatory.
Cranks is named so because he never seems happy with the amount of sunlight I give him. I leave him out and he gets droopy. I bring him into shade and he gets droopier. Make up your mind Mr. Cranks! (I also call him Mr. Cranks)
Two-Butt Arnold looks like he has two butts. And Arnold is the name of my butt doctor.
Zucchini – “Reggie”
Reggie is a curious plant who is always asking me questions about the world. So I named him after the Santa Clara County Sheriff’s deputy who kept questioning me about whether I killed my ex-wife Janice (I didn’t).
Wipsy-Dee makes me feel all silly and giggly! When I light it on fire and inhale the smoke. It tastes bad in my food though. I should ask the sketchy teenager I bought it from about that.
Tomato plant – “Jessup”
I call him Jessup because he seems like a good religious man. Good men are hard to come by these days.