Editorial: I’m Back!
March 18, 2017 - Universe
by Hillary Clinton
Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love! I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight.
Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I am 100% willing and committed to getting down and dirty and doing some old-fashioned politics stuff to help get this country back to where it needs to be!
Let’s get to it! I bought a new Armani jacket just for the occasion! It’s incredibly warm and fashionable. And for a price tag of only $18,270 what’s not to love? I recommend it to everyone out there protesting for rights and higher wages.
So who’s ready to start protesting? I know I am! But first…coffee! I’m definitely going to need some coffee. I need some energy for the big fight against Evil. Are there any new cafes you guys know about? Preferably one that serves lattes or machiattos. Liberals still like Starbucks right? Let’s go there!
And what about some breakfast? Can’t go battling injustice on an empty stomach now, can we? I could really go for a braised duck omelette. There’s a place on 43rd in D.C., I think it’s called Carla’s? They have a wonderful outdoor patio, and the mimosas are “hashtag” omg! We should definitely go to Carla’s!
After coffee and brunch, it’s time to get to serious and do some gritty politics work. I saw there’s going to be a Planned Parenthood rally in Virginia later. That sounds fun! Oh no, but the jet is undergoing de-icing today. Darn. I can’t make that one unfortunately!
Maybe I can find a good local event going on in the newspaper? I’ll just put on my robe real quick and see if I can find one. I’ll also ask Trevor to bring me a glass of Cognac. Can’t read the news without Cognac…that would be like…watching the news on TV without Cognac. I shudder at the thought!
Huh, there’s no headlines in this newspaper about me. That’s odd!
Well I’m pretty sleepy. Maybe this protesting or whatever is best left for tomorrow. Oh no, tomorrow I have to wake up by 10 for a pedicure appointment. Maybe the next day would be good. Yes, the day after tomorrow will be the perfect time to hit the streets!
Woo! Let’s do it guys! We’re going to change the world! It’s good to be back!