Editorial: I’m a Terrible Person And There’s Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me


August 11, 2015 - Local / Uncategorized / Universe

What up,

Joey here. Remember me? I’m that prick you hate? That guy who is completely ignorant in every way? That asshole who is shallow, annoying, and wants to pick a fight with everyone in my line of sight that looks weaker than me?

Maybe you recognize me from high school. I was that jerkoff that dated all the girls you liked and treated them like shit. I was that kid smoking cigarettes in the lunch line and telling you you’re a cunt because of something you can’t help. You may have been a minority student, had a speech impediment, or possessed some other feature I disliked. Remember that? You sure felt insecure, huh?

Or maybe you went to college with me. I was that guy who wouldn’t let you into that frat party on your birthday. I was having sex with Jenny when you called her up to ask her on a date. I somehow did really well in that astrophysics class you failed. Ring a bell?

Maybe you remember me from that Santana concert? I bumped into you on purpose and spilled my beer on you and laughed? And then my girlfriend with the nose ring said you looked like a pasty bitch? And then she spilled her beer on you? Good times.

I’m that guy who was working at the hotel you held your daughter’s bat mitzvah in and I got drunk and hit on her and all of her friends.

Oh man, remember that time I was blacked out and threw up on your family at Busch Gardens?

I’m that guy who is always squinting. The kind of guy where just by looking at me you can read every single moronic, ignorant half-thought that passes through my poor excuse for a brain.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and let you know I’m still out there. I still wear tang tops that expose my belly button. I still do karate. I’m still dating Jenny.

I’m never going away. I’m going to be around until the day you die. I am just a type of human, bound to repeat the same patterns of idiocy and dickishness over and over. I’m at the DMV, the grocery store, and the mall. I’m staying in the next tent over on the campground you’re visiting. I work as a gym teacher in your kids’ school.

I’ve been around for centuries before you were born and I’ll be kicking it way after your dead.

And guess what? There’s nothing…NOTHING you can do to stop me.


› tags: editorial / jerk /